Smart-Ass Amazon.com Product Reviews
Nobody knows how it started but I guess some guys just went in the fun on reviewing Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz:
“These are so hard to find. They’re the spring season’s Nintendo Wii. When I went to Walmart to get some, I had to get it in a huge bundle that included 25 different kinds of cheese, 3 bottles of Nestle’s Quik, a set of six glasses, a bag of Oreos, and a big glass pitcher.”
“My grown children and I sat down to breakfast this morning looking forawrd to trying this new… milk we bought online. At 1st it seemed absurd to buy milk and have it shipped at almost 3 times the cost of the milk itself. But then we… tasted it. It didn’t taste like milk at all. It tasted… better. This could not have come from a cow. Men of great knowledge must have… engineered this substance. I couldn’t help myself, I had to have more. I finished my glass like a man just rescued from the desert. And I remember… I… I… I cried… I wept like some grandmother. “
And this string of smart-ass reviews started way back in 2005!
But it does not stop there. Apparently, ridiculously expensive cables also merit these snarky comments:
“A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the “directional markings” on the cables, your music will play backwards. Please check that before mentioning it in your reviews.”
“If I could use a rusty boxcutter to carve a new orifice in my body that’s compatible with this link cable, I would already be doing it. I can just imagine the pure musical goodness that would flow through this cable into the wound and fill me completely — like white, holy light. Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. I only make $6.25/hr at Jack In The Box, but I saved up for three months so I could have this cable. It sits in a shrine I constructed next to my futon in Mother’s basement.”
June 25th, 2008 at 12:14 am
They write novels for the milk. This is madness.
“That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That’s when I knew it was over.”
I lol’d at the reviews. Win.
PS: MOAR GEEKS! MOAR “management woes”!